5.22.2013

Snakes On A Plane

Two nights ago, Jeoffrey had his first kill that I know of. He took out a rather large mosquito-like bug that had flown into our house at around 11 o'clock at night. I made the sound that a girl makes when a large flying bug flies at her hair, and out of nowhere, Joeffrey jumped off the top of the fridge, flew through the air, and gracefully nailed this bug. He played with with for about a minute before swallowing it whole. Well played, Cat.

THIS MORNING, I awoke to a bizarre crackling sound- the closest thing I can liken it to is claws on glass. It's a sound I've heard before, and I have always wondered if it might be a mouse. I'm from a ranch. Rodents are a part of life and death, so I mused over buying mouse traps as I continued to drift in and out of early morning consciousness. Abruptly, I noticed that the sound had gotten much louder- closer. I open my eyes to see Jeoffrey near the foot of our bed, staring at me with something in his mouth. I think "awesome, he caught the mouse!" which is what a good cat SHOULD do. But knowing cats, I'm guessing that the mouse is neither dead, nor entirely ready to be eaten. I'm thinking we should have a pan ready just in case.

It was around this time that Jeoffrey drops the poor creature, and it flops onto its stomach. Wings outstretched.

That's right. Wings.

2 nights ago, the cat caught its first bug. Last night, it catches a freaking-ass BAT.

IN MY HOUSE.

Dan and I proceeded to take turns convulsing alternated with manning up, just long enough to get the bat outside using a pot. We're pretty sure its dead.

Bats live alone, right?  Like Dracula?

Now that the bat isn't in my house anymore, I feel like I have two legitimate concerns. 1) Are there more bats living in a colony in my house somewhere, and 2) What in the name of Beverly is the cat going to catch tonight?  And as a sort of followup to either of those questions, 3) Is it overkill to sleep in a catcher's mask or hazmat suit tonight/forever?




5.20.2013

Mood Rain

It's raining. Time for music. Shout out to Dan for his influences of Gordon Lightfoot and Neil Young. (Playlist.com didn't have "Raining in Baltimore", or I'd have added that, too.)

Also, sorry to Dan that this list includes Adele. Because I know how he feels about Adele.



5.16.2013

Einstein Had Cable

"When a man sits with a pretty girl for an hour, it seems like a minute. But let him sit on a hot stove for a minute and it's longer than any hour. That's relativity."
-Albert Einstein

This is sort of how I feel when I'm home sick and totally miserable and there's been nothing on TV all day, and then suddenly COPS is on.

5.09.2013

Deep Horse Thoughts

I love that I took two days off of work for a horse show. Showcation, as I like to call it. For work, I wake up at 6 so I can go in and sit at a nice desk in business casual attire and leave at 5.

For showcation, I wake up at 5, put on a button up shirt and choker, jewelry, breeches, and impeccably shined knee boots. I try all day to keep said shirt and breeches clean while I groom, braid, muck stalls, and ride like the dickens. I will go home around 8, and do it all over again tomorrow.

But that moment after your best and hardest class full of highs and lows, when It's just you and your horse taking sweaty tack off and together you exhale the day- wow. When a 1000 pound creature cozies up and closes her eyes when you hold her head and breathe in her nose- wow. When you realize this horse doesn't know you don't own her but merely sizes you up by the sum of your lovely experiences- wow. It's hard to describe without it sounding trite, but when a horse lets you in, you never forget it.

I have made peace with the fact that my time with Minnie is temporary because all horse relationships are. It's stupid that lives change, people change, horses go lame, and that we outlive them by 50 years. But it's reality. So you take and you give while you can with all your heart.

I've only been riding her for a month, and Minnie has already given me back her part of my old broken horse soul- affection.



And stuff like that just doesn't happen at the office.



5.03.2013

Confession

It's because of people taking pictures like this with their
Friesians that Dan will never let me live it down if I buy one.


This isn't easy for me to admit. It's not really in the spirit of my general behavior. Well, okay, it's in the spirit of behavior that I don't usually like to flaunt to the general public.

But you guys, this one time when I was living in DC, I got scammed. Now I was lucky enough to get out of hot water before I lost anything, but a nigerian internet scammer did manage to convince me that he had a house for rent in DC for $700 that had a barn and a botanical garden. Even though the address he gave me was for the projects.

I was new to Craigslist, okay?

So yesterday when I was looking through the online horse ads on my lunch break, I was pretty steamed to see an ad that claimed to have a fully trained, 5 year old, purebred Friesian for sale in Utah for $1,000. Just to give you some perspective, a five year old fully trained purebred Friesian would normally sell for at least $10,000, unless he had some kind of lameness or terminal disease, and even still maybe that. Also, Friesians are the scammer breed of choice, because no horse loving woman on earth is immune to their hotness, and everyone wants a deal on their dream horse.

So I did a terrible, terrible thing. I trolled them.

I started by being upfront that I knew they were scammers, asked them to please take their ads down, and please stop pestering nice horse people. In that amazing google-translated scammer english, they repeatedly insisted they were not scammers, that the horse was in Portland, and if I give her my credit card number to pay my delivery fee, the horse will be on my doorstep tomorrow morning. (side note: please don't ever leave your horse on my doorstep. My house is too small.) And so, I changed my tune.

"Oh, okay. Well my horse trainer is actually in Portland right now. Where do you live? I'll have him come over and see him, you can ride him first and he will ride him after you. He's free all day today."

I was sure "she" wouldn't write back. But she did. She proceeds to give me the address to her house to come and see her horse, which is the address to what I believe is the tallest business tower in downtown Portland. Hilarious. She then pleads with me to "wear your understanding shoes and reason with me okay.I understand your situation but you have to take this brave step to have what you will never regret in life." Coincidentally, I am in fact wearing my understanding shoes today, guys.

I know. I KNOW I should have stopped this Tom Foolery. This is a human being. But I figure for every minute I tie "her" up trying to reason with me, she's not putting up more scammer ads. Does that in any way justify this abominable behavior against a fellow human being who happens to be trying to steal my money? Probably not.

"No, I want my trainer to see and ride the horse before I buy it. Where is the horse located? The address you gave is for a business tower in downtown Portland. Does your horse live in the Flying Elephants Delicatessen on the third floor? (there really is a Deli called that in the building she directed me to. I consider that notable.)

Oh, I almost forgot to mention. My trainer is an Olympic dressage trainer. He taught the great Warmblood, Ravel, how to shake hands like a person. He will be so excited to meet you and your horse!"

I was sure that this was over the top enough that they wouldn't write back. Wrong.

She didn't have anything nice to say about my trainer, who taught Ravel to shake hands. She was very hung up on this delivery service. Imagine that.

"Like i said,you are proving real stubborn accepting the fact that delivery will be the best.I talked with the company yesterday that i have a buyer who is very skeptical about delivery.I was told that at first the used to pay upon arrival of pets.Just that customers misused this opportunity and so the management passed a new law saying that all delivery must be confirmed by an upfront payment."

It's a law, guys. Now can I please have your credit card number for the delivery and all your other personal details for the purpose of identity theft?

Since she didn't answer my question, I didn't answer hers.

"I'm starting to wonder if Damon is maybe just a cat...."

Her response is genius, and does not address my question concerning cathood. To boil it down, (I had to read it about 100 times to get it) she says, okay, if you don't want to pay for the delivery, give me your credit card numbers to pay for the HORSE, and then SHE would pay to have him delivered. Yes, that makes ALL my problems go away.

I NEED FINAL DECISION, she says.

"Yes, absolutely, I have a final answer for you.

My trainer is there in Portland waiting to ride the horse! Once you tell me where the horse is, my trainer will meet you there, ride the horse, pay you the $1000 you asked for the horse (in cash), and then will drive the horse home in his horse trailer. We are not using your delivery service. Where is the horse, and what time should my trainer meet you at the barn?

Also, please have an obstacle course set up in the arena that Reginald can ride the horse across. I want to be sure he's not afraid of guns or snakes. Thanks!"

Sadly, I have not heard back yet.