It's because of people taking pictures like this with their
Friesians that Dan will never let me live it down if I buy one.

This isn't easy for me to admit. It's not really in the spirit of my general behavior. Well, okay, it's in the spirit of behavior that I don't usually like to flaunt to the general public.

But you guys, this one time when I was living in DC, I got scammed. Now I was lucky enough to get out of hot water before I lost anything, but a nigerian internet scammer did manage to convince me that he had a house for rent in DC for $700 that had a barn and a botanical garden. Even though the address he gave me was for the projects.

I was new to Craigslist, okay?

So yesterday when I was looking through the online horse ads on my lunch break, I was pretty steamed to see an ad that claimed to have a fully trained, 5 year old, purebred Friesian for sale in Utah for $1,000. Just to give you some perspective, a five year old fully trained purebred Friesian would normally sell for at least $10,000, unless he had some kind of lameness or terminal disease, and even still maybe that. Also, Friesians are the scammer breed of choice, because no horse loving woman on earth is immune to their hotness, and everyone wants a deal on their dream horse.

So I did a terrible, terrible thing. I trolled them.

I started by being upfront that I knew they were scammers, asked them to please take their ads down, and please stop pestering nice horse people. In that amazing google-translated scammer english, they repeatedly insisted they were not scammers, that the horse was in Portland, and if I give her my credit card number to pay my delivery fee, the horse will be on my doorstep tomorrow morning. (side note: please don't ever leave your horse on my doorstep. My house is too small.) And so, I changed my tune.

"Oh, okay. Well my horse trainer is actually in Portland right now. Where do you live? I'll have him come over and see him, you can ride him first and he will ride him after you. He's free all day today."

I was sure "she" wouldn't write back. But she did. She proceeds to give me the address to her house to come and see her horse, which is the address to what I believe is the tallest business tower in downtown Portland. Hilarious. She then pleads with me to "wear your understanding shoes and reason with me okay.I understand your situation but you have to take this brave step to have what you will never regret in life." Coincidentally, I am in fact wearing my understanding shoes today, guys.

I know. I KNOW I should have stopped this Tom Foolery. This is a human being. But I figure for every minute I tie "her" up trying to reason with me, she's not putting up more scammer ads. Does that in any way justify this abominable behavior against a fellow human being who happens to be trying to steal my money? Probably not.

"No, I want my trainer to see and ride the horse before I buy it. Where is the horse located? The address you gave is for a business tower in downtown Portland. Does your horse live in the Flying Elephants Delicatessen on the third floor? (there really is a Deli called that in the building she directed me to. I consider that notable.)

Oh, I almost forgot to mention. My trainer is an Olympic dressage trainer. He taught the great Warmblood, Ravel, how to shake hands like a person. He will be so excited to meet you and your horse!"

I was sure that this was over the top enough that they wouldn't write back. Wrong.

She didn't have anything nice to say about my trainer, who taught Ravel to shake hands. She was very hung up on this delivery service. Imagine that.

"Like i said,you are proving real stubborn accepting the fact that delivery will be the best.I talked with the company yesterday that i have a buyer who is very skeptical about delivery.I was told that at first the used to pay upon arrival of pets.Just that customers misused this opportunity and so the management passed a new law saying that all delivery must be confirmed by an upfront payment."

It's a law, guys. Now can I please have your credit card number for the delivery and all your other personal details for the purpose of identity theft?

Since she didn't answer my question, I didn't answer hers.

"I'm starting to wonder if Damon is maybe just a cat...."

Her response is genius, and does not address my question concerning cathood. To boil it down, (I had to read it about 100 times to get it) she says, okay, if you don't want to pay for the delivery, give me your credit card numbers to pay for the HORSE, and then SHE would pay to have him delivered. Yes, that makes ALL my problems go away.


"Yes, absolutely, I have a final answer for you.

My trainer is there in Portland waiting to ride the horse! Once you tell me where the horse is, my trainer will meet you there, ride the horse, pay you the $1000 you asked for the horse (in cash), and then will drive the horse home in his horse trailer. We are not using your delivery service. Where is the horse, and what time should my trainer meet you at the barn?

Also, please have an obstacle course set up in the arena that Reginald can ride the horse across. I want to be sure he's not afraid of guns or snakes. Thanks!"

Sadly, I have not heard back yet.


Garit D Heaton said…
you've shown remarkable restraint.. i could never be so gentle. my first reply would have predictably centered on an invitation to embrace self-harm. without remorse.
Daniel T said…
Lorraine. You've edited out my favorite part of the story. Tell everyone how many legs your fictional trainer in Portland has. (Hint: It's less than two.)

The scammer was even willing to have someone lift him on to his specially designed saddle so he could feel the sensation of the wind at his face. You really need to give her some credit.

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