A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Altar

I got married and my body changed.

I didn't gain weight, I didn't really lose it (although in the months leading up to our nuptials, I gradually took my figure to a place good enough that when I see the pictures, I see the beautiful moments and I wasn't obsessed over "another 5 pounds!" or something ridiculous like that.)

But somewhere between I do and I did, I apparently got a little bit older. Not "my back hurts a lot" old, or "I should probably start giving some thought to my 401K" old, but most definitely a "I should not have eaten that whole thing" old.

I'm not mourning my metabolism, per say. I still praise the high heavens that my metabolism allows me to ingest what I do every day. It's totally unfair. If I ate like normal people instead of like Miss Piggy, I would look like Kate Middleton by now. I know, go ahead and hate me. I'll wait.

But, you guys, here is my problem: eating bad food makes me feeeeeel bad.

How rude.

Suddenly, I can't eat two of my sibby's Sunday night peanut butter bars without wanting to take it back.  I can't finish a quesadilla explosion salad at Chili's anymore.  Sometimes, I look at an empty box of Domino's and cry, and not just because it's gone, but because I feel nauseous and sluggish. And I ordered the thin crust!  THIN CRUST PIZZA IS CHILD'S PLAY, AMIRIGHT?

So, I'm going on a cleanse of sorts. My body has been so angry at me, this is really the least that I can do to apologize. I thought about cutting out meat or dairy or gluten, or going paleo or all broth or something else extreme, but in the end, I know what my body is trying to tell me. It wants real food. It wants real ingredients, fresh ingredients, and nothing that comes in a box for at least a month. It wants lettuce, chicken, tomatoes, watermelon, and beans. And for crying out loud, would a little quantity moderation hurt?

I started today with some plain greek yogurt and strawberries, and skipped coffee and snack bars. I had fresh soup full of flavor and protein.  It needed more veggies. Dan is coming to Salt Lake, so I think we will hit up Chipotle for happy meat on a bed of greens. I have had a debilitating caffeine problem for about two years now, and I need to come to grips with that. Today was my first caffeine free day at work in a long time, and it was hard, but it will get better. I know that's what my body is asking for.

And you know, I'm excited! I'm excited to finally give my body what it deserves. It hauled playpens across eastern Europe, it climbed mountains, it swam in the Mediterranean, and it walked up and down and up and down the National Mall (in heels) without complaint.  It houses my everything. I can do better. And I really, really, really like my body, even if it doesn't look like Rhianna's.

Go forth and treat your body like the amazing treasure of evolution that it is. Have a bell pepper.

Also, this is very bad news for Corn Dogs. Temporary bad news. Because banning corn dogs forever would be silly. 


Ghost Shorts and Crushes.

I only have eyes for my husband. I want to be perfectly clear about that.

Ears are another matter. Also, this sentiment is mutual.

Go ahead and read that. I'll wait.



I was brought in as the lifetime companion and fixture of Daniel's life with the full disclosure that I could never sell a Swiffer Sweeper quite like SHE could.  When her commercial is on, his eyes glaze over, and he physically swoons. I accept this. This is the dark underbelly of saying "Forever" to the person you love.  Along the way, you will have to accept that somewhere, there is a child star lurking in the shadows of his/her mind.

For me, the time to confess has come.

I must regretfully inform Dan and all his fans that Ms. Berdahl has a counterpart, who I am only now prepared to discuss candidly.

Readers, meet Blake Sennett.

Blake is the guitarist for the band Rilo Kiley, an alt pop group probably best known for the song "Silver Lining"

The music video of which, by the way, is how I came to ask myself "Is that PINSKY????" and affirmation never tasted so sweet.

Ronnie Pinsky from Season 2 of Salute Your Shorts, meant to replace original dreamboat Michael of Season 1 who did not return to Camp Anawana for another summer. This was to Dina and Z.Z.'s devastation, but not mine. Pinsky was totally my 10 year old type. And now he's in a really hilarious and mildly obscure band, and he also dated Winona Ryder for about year. They were kind of a big deal. They are now kind of over.

So now, ideally, Pinsky would marry Lenni, and then Dan and I could run into them in the streets of Lehi and we could all go to dinner at Porter's Place and bury these childhood hatchets once and for all over honey butter scones and a sarsaparilla.
On the other hand, were there ever more harmless celebrity crushes for two idealistic soulmates than the rapping actress of Ghostwriter and the spoiled richy rich of Camp Anawana's Salute Your Shorts?
This is Dr. Kahn-would Ronnie Pinsky please report to the mess hall of Lorraine's dreams immediately?  That is all.  


Back to California: San Juan Capistrano Mission

It's been a whirlwind lately.

You know what wasn't a whirlwind? San Juan Capistrano.  It was the opposite of whirlwind. Bustling? Yes. Radiating with mariachi bands, dancing girls, and freshly made enchiladas? You bet your sweet bippy. But a whirlwind it was not.

On our way we saw little ones on their way to first communion, which is the most divine thing I've ever seen.

The original mission basilica.

The original basilica with the original best california hostess.

The original basilica with the original Amigo Bad-A. The shades. The shades kill me.

I took my camera off of automatic, y'all, and it makes your flower pictures better! (Or worse, and then worse, and then average, and then better.)

Poppies. Bury me in a field of poppies, dear progyny.

 Next to this dude. Did I say too much? 

These flowers grow upsidedown on vines and are as big as my head.

You know what's cool? This metal thing on this door.

And these bells.

They were having a mariachi band and mexican dancing troupe competition of sorts at the mission while we were there, which was awesome. I like how the horse looks like he's part of this conversation.

I just realized that I caught a photobomber from behind in this photo. It's like a reverse photobomb.

 Isn't she like a flower unto herself?!

Oh hey. That's me. Sorry about that. Also, it weirds me out to no end that the mirror makes me think my braid is always on the other side of my head. I might have to switch just so it will look right to everyone else.

I said I wasn't going to post this, but that would be cruel to you. This face is the direct result of having the sun burn my retinas. YOU'RE WELCOME.

Last but not least, I caught a picture of a lizard in middair. bam.

That's what I call a successful day at the Mission.



If you feared the end of the Lorraine and Lacey Bachelorette chats, fear not. The new episode is up somewhere over here:


If you prayed for the end of the Lorraine and Lacey Bachelorette chats, Heaven is not getting your prayers, and you should try again later.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming of bizarre musings, corn dogs, ponies, and homeowning merriment.


The Voyage of Venus

I don't know that anyone tried harder to race the clouds and find the sun last night than I did. I was hoping beyond hope that somewhere in our overcast atmosphere a sliver of sun would appear long enough for me to see the transit.

As a kid, my parents had this 1980's hardback coffee table book about NASA.  I was pretty obsessed with it. I didn't have ambitions to be an astronaut or a physicist or an engineer (though I wish I had known at 12 that there was such a thing as an engineer, and that I could very well be one. No one ever bothered to tell me that.) but I did utterly love the pictures of the shuttles, the moon, the faraway nebulas.

When my sister Aimee was going to the Uvinersity of Uhat, and I was only 9 or 10, she would take me to the planetarium and we'd goof around on the scale that told you how much you'd weigh on all the planets and on the sun. We'd stare at the magnified moon rocks, and watch the footage of all Apollo moon landings. She probably has no idea how much all that stuck with me.

My Great Aunt Ellen was a contracted employee of NASA, and one of the only female engineers in her time. She helped design the oxygen tanks that the astronauts wore during EVAs (Extra Vehicular Activity) and I utterly adored her. I wish bitterly that I'd asked more questions when I had the chance.

Growing up in a rural mountain bowl, though, that really sets you up to feel like you are everso connected to the stars. Without light pollution, you could look up every night and see the belt of the Milky Way wrapped around you like a pilly afghan sweater.  It was, and still is, luminous in ways that escape me.  Better yet were the nights when dad would pull out the telescope and show us Jupiter, Mars, Venus, and Saturn. To this day, seeing Saturn's rings through a lens and realizing that your 4th grade teacher didn't just totally make that up freaks me out.

So Venus.

I had to be there with her, and have this moment that was quite literally, once in a lifetime. I don't believe in many things being once in a lifetime. I feel like you have a right to choose your timing, and if you want something back, you go after it. But this was cosmic, universal, and would go on with our without me. I had to let her know I was there.

I chased the clouds down and drove towards patches of light, only to lose them.  I waited it out, hoping she would come back. At around 7:45, I was coming to grips with my stormy destiny. I told myself that I hadn't missed it- that just because I couldn't see it didn't mean I hadn't been aligned in that beautiful trajectory of aligned planets. Here I was lucky enough to be on a self sustaining planet of air and clouds and rain and trees and food, and I was complaining that my atmosphere had stolen my fun.  And I told myself I was okay with it.

And then the sun came out.

And by God, that Sun, and her Venus, they were beautiful.

The last one is the only one that I took, and while you can't see Venus, I still rather like this. Because the sun is awesome.