3.16.2012

The Final Rose, May it Rest in Peace.

Thanks to my sibby-in-law, hero, and ever humorous and graceful Lacey for doing this with me this season, despite me constantly siding with her mortal TV enemy. I dedicate this final, wondrous post to her and her rapier wit.

Lacey: Alright. Let's do this thing.
Shall we start at the very beginning?
It's a very good place to start.

Lorraine: yes!

Lacey: Here we are in beautiful Zermatt, Switzerland, the majestic Matterhorn standing in the distance. Disneyland's is better. It's got bobsleds and Abominable Snow Monsters.

Lorraine: And in disneyland you won't have to pull out a translation guide to get to the bathroom.

Lacey: So true. Joking aside, the scenery really is spectacular. Every camera shot they set up had the mountain in the background. Overkill?

Lorraine: just in case anyone forgot where they were. it's very orienting after the dozens of beach resorts. Lets get to it, Lindzi, or as I would like to call her, Princess Horsegirlforkdropper

Lacey: I loved that! So adorable. Nervous much?
I thought she got along with Ben's family really really well.
She and Sister were like pals out there on the balcony.

Lorraine: Still, the worlds most uncomfortable conversation.

that reminds me, I've been meaning to tell you the past two years or so: remember that time that I came and re-met all the Jacksons as Dan's girlfriend for Sunday dinner, and you did not at any point take me out on a balcony alone and question my intentions? THANK YOU!!!!! xoxoxo, love New Sibby.

Lacey: I seriously thought about it, Lorraine. I had a lot of tough questions for you that night...

Lorraine: hahaha

Lacey: I decided to let you settle in a little before the grilling started :)

I'm sure Courtney was the last thing Lindzi ever wanted to talk about, but didn't she handle it beautifully? She's a class act for sure. She had every opportunity to throw Courtney under the bus and she didn't. She was honest, but didn't rant and rave.

Lorraine: I have written in giant scary letters on my scratch pad "DON'T DO IT, LINDZI" and I couldn't remember why, and then I remembered, it was that thing. I was worried she would really go to town on her. I thought she could have shown a little more grace, but she certainly behaved better than the majority of other women towards courtney.

Lacey: Doesn't slander or gossip= nice girl. All she said was "She's different from me." There's nothing mean in that at all. 10 points.

Lorraine: which is by the way, exhibit A of why it's good she's not with Ben. She's too sweet, too demure.

Lacey: I loved Sister when Ben was talking about Courtney. "She's a model?! Seriously, Ben?"
And she sensed that antagonizing all the girls was a red flag.
Too bad she switched camps by the end. Drat!

Lorraine: Frankly, the whole experience of Ben with Lindzi and his family left me just feeling so Vanilla. The only other VERY important thing I have to say about the date with lindzi is that during the horse and carriage scene, they totally inserted a fake horse neigh, and it was embarrassingly bad. That is all. It was Lindzi's OMEN. FAKE NEIGH, FAKE LOVE, LINDZI.

Lacey: Wasn't that on their date?

Lorraine: yes. oh darn, I skipped ahead, didn't I?

Lacey: I honestly can't remember/

Lorraine: darn notes, that's the last time I write in circles..
we should have done this on tuesday when it was fresh hahaha
but I was scared. Scared of the Lacey Wrath.
So okay, Courtney's family visit is next?

Lacey: Yes.
I don't know what she did to brainwash them, but she won them over.

Lorraine: Well, she was normal and charming and interesting the whole time. so that was probably it.

Lacey: It drove me crazy when she was talking to Sis how she always always always paints herself as the victim!

Lorraine: they couldn't have known any different.

Lacey: "I really tried, really made and effort to get along with the girls."
Boo!
Opposite Day!
On to Lindzi's date. I just kept thinking I wish I had a cute dimple.

Lorraine: ohhhhh, speaking of opposite day.
I kept thinking her dimple made her look a little bit disfigured.

Lacey: No way! I love dimples.

Lorraine: WHY ARE WE OPPOSITE, LACEY?

Lacey: Dimples are cute, Lorraine.

Lorraine: some of them are
absolutely.
hers is weird. and asymmetrical.

Lacey: Alright, that's it. DEAR READERS: Vote in the comments section below. Is Lindzi's dimple cute or disfiguring?

This is the only way to solve this, Lorraine.

Lorraine: I accept your terms.
now can I talk about the inserted horse sound?

Lacey: ya

Lorraine: It was SO FAKE! Lacey, that neigh belonged to a horse at least 400 pounds that percheron's junior. That's all. I'm done.

Lacey: I'll bet you and Lindzi were the only ones to notice.

Lorraine: it's all part of the artificial magic
so I had kind of an epiphany during their "humble abode" visit after dinner, which is sort of a ridiculous epiphany, but still: that rather intimate scene when they're on the balcony and declaring their love? There are AT LEAST three cameras on them. I counted.
not the same camera in 3 places at three different times, THREE CAMERAS.
how do you...I don't even...
there are more camera men on the balcony than people in love!

Lacey: I guess now that they don't have a house full of psycho girls to film, they put all resources into making it difficult for fake lovers to stay focused.

Lorraine: well, usually Courtney does the unfocusing for them, by jumping into a pool in a white bikini.

Lacey: I found it difficult to watch this date because it was so painfully clear to me that Ben had no feelings for her. In the gondola and again at the hotel, she was saying all these sweet things to him. All he did was preach at her about "opening up" and "being vulnerable". He was seriously bugging.

Lorraine: yup, he just wasn't that into her.

Lacey: Also this gem: Lindzi "This is the first time I've been so sure about something." Ben "...uh huh..."

Lorraine: and frankly, she said all the right things, and made all the right gestures, but I actually don't buy that she really loved him all that much either.

Lacey: Yeah. Not a match.

Lorraine: he ditched his second best when he sent home Kacie.

Lacey: Now Courtney on the other hand... I hate to say this. I'm ashamed of myself as I type this. Their date was obviously really sweet and cute and fun.

Lorraine: I support you saying this, and don't worry, I will have a courtney zinger coming your way to re-even the score.

It was a lovely date, and they have pretty undeniable chemistry.

Lacey: They're perfect for each other. I hate it so much. I really want to like the people at the end of this. Oh well. Who said nasty people can't find happy love connections as well as the nice?

Lorraine: I'm so glad you're coming around to this

Lacey: I actually caught myself SMILING as they sledded down the hill, Lorraine. SMILING!!! Don't you fret. I returned to a scowl the second I realized.

Lorraine: hahahha

Lacey: I knew the ending was set in stone when Courtney brought out her hand-made gift. Lindzi hadn't given him one. Kiss of death.

My question is, which production assistant did she make-out with to get him to procure all those pictures for her?

Lorraine: OH, you stole my zinger!!! snap. well done. We are once again in matching sibby wavelengths.

Lacey: Winning!

Lorraine: my exact note was "That was so nice of the producers to make that photo album for BenjaCourt!"
in that case, I will have to trade you a new zinger here, which is a mild tangent.
remember the fake wedding vows on the parent date?
Courtney swiped her opening line from the series finale of Sex and the City.
that is all. I'm done with my tangent now.

Lacey: Scandal! I didn't watch that show. I didn't even notice.
She mean and a plagiarizer!

Lorraine: oh dear.
she's devolving into a hot typo'd mess, now. just when we were making progress. I did this to you!

Lacey: Sorry. She's. Well, now we come to it. The day of the big decision. The ring is chosen. Courtney is scampering about in a teddy. Lindzi is curling her hair.

Lorraine: oh yes, we are approaching my favorite part, when the elves cross into the circle of Mordor, shed their cloaks and throw love into Mount Doom!!!!
If ONLY Frodo and Sam had had their own private helichoppers, as Courtney called them.

Lacey: But first Lindzi must follow the ancient cairns on the mountain top to the Alter of Rejection.

Lorraine: Which Ben ceremoniously began by saying "come on in" to the circle of tragedy.

Lacey: Then he does the famous bait and switch. "You're perfect. You're exactly what I've always looked for. I've fallen in love with you.... But I'm in love with someone else." Wha?

Lorraine: I hate it. I remember Brad did that to Chantelle too. And stupid Ashley let Ben get all the way down on one knee and pour his heart out. I think they must get some sort of signing bonus if they can lead the person on right up until the "end".

And Ben's "BUT" must be the worst BUT of all time. Like, he dumped her in a single word.

Lacey: Lindzi's exit was the best. She didn't cry, she didn't grovel. If only she hadn't made the "If it doesn't work out, call me" comment, it would've been perfect.
Girl power!

Lorraine: I have another angry scribbled note here about how when the guy that just dumped your face on TV offers to walk you to your helipad, The Answer Is Always NO, girls. ALWAYS>
you walk yourself to the door. end of story.
I can guarantee you that Courtney would not have let him walk her to the helipad. Part of why I like her.

Lacey: Oh wait. I take back the girl power thing. I just remembered she said, "I'm mad at myself for not giving you what you need." Boo. Worst exit ever.

Lorraine: yup. not unlike the Kacie "what did he WANT?!!" segment. So undignified.
Lindzi, the thing you didn't give was sass. You were sassless. You didn't fight for him, you didn't make an arse of yourself to get his attention, and that's what the dip wanted all along. Consider yourself lucky.
Now go marry a banker who can fund your horse habit indefinitely.

Lacey: Courtney's helichopper lands. She walks up the path to her future. Ben remembers about the skinny dipping and has to catch his breath.

Lorraine: and the rest of us have to catch our breath that she is wearing those heinous gloves, and sporting hair tendrils.

Lacey: And it happens. The moment we've known was coming, yet dreaded nonetheless. Ben "I've loved you for a long time. One whole month. I said I wouldn't get down on one knee again unless I knew it was forever. You're my forever." I'm gonna puke.

Lorraine: I was genuinely excited, but yes.
we definitely all knew it was coming.
She laughed at entirely innapropriate moments, acted like a goof, and the two of them look cute on Mount Doom.
oh, and in Ben's words, "My hair looked like a water buffalo. Maybe it is time for a cut."

Lacey: She didn't really seem all that happy to me until he opened up the ring box. I flashed back to episode one when she said she wouldn't be okay with anything less than 2 karats because "she deserves it". Happy ending!

Lorraine: haha
I will say this, and you are more than welcome to disagree. It's all the dumb funny show anyway. I think that people (every girl that was on the show, every trashy magazine, every blogger, every vocal viewer) has taken Ben and Courtney to town for their actions, dragged them through the mud, called them every nasty name, and somehow, they still have the slightest desire to be together? Courtney is a weirdo and Ben is a creep, and they seem really happy together, probably because they ARE well suited. All along, he wanted a girl who KNEW she deserved nothing less than "a two karat diamond" and that's what he got. so, meh, I was genuinely relieved and happy he chose the person who was the best fit for him, and (more or less) stuck to his guns.

I think it's very tempting to choose "the best woman" instead of "the right woman" as young idiot couples seem to do all the time, and miraculously, Ben avoided that pitfall and got his girl. I say kudos to them both.

Lacey: Back in our Episode #4 chat I said, "I don't think Ben is seeing much of her crazy. Only the other girls are. If she comes out with the psycho and Ben still likes her, I wish her lip biting, hair fondling joy." Up until the show started airing, he didn't see any of that. Now he has. He clearly wasn't okay with it. If they can indeed move on and decide to stay together, I don't begrudge them that. I'm sure they'll be great. It's only now that I feel they're actually on an even playing field. He knows her weakness and now she's seen his (the whole cutting loose when it got rough). I hope they can make an honest go of it.

Lorraine: That's a totally fair assessment.

You are much more reasonable than the 10 idiots in the audience they kept cutting away that were mouthing obscenities and shaking their head every time Courtney so much as sneezed.
(during the After the Rose Special)
I could barely watch it was so annoying
Best line of the night was Courtney's "tough crowd!" hahahaha

Lacey: Ben and Courtney should probably have talked before the show and gotten on the same page. Were they together? Not together? She was saying one thing, he said another. They didn't even know what's goingon.
Good thing Chris was there to help them sort it all out.
And give her her ring back.

Lorraine: I think they purposefully don't let them see each other before the show, and it sounds like he'd kind of cut communication in the weeks prior. It was very weird to watch.


and you have to admit, Ben crying was genuinely sad, even if they were the result of his own choices.

Lacey: Bless their hearts. I hope they get left alone for a while and get all sorted out.
Things got weirder for me when Ashley and JP came out and started making pregnant jokes. Wah wah.

Lorraine: sister really wears the pants in that relationship.

Lacey: I think they're cute and I'll bet Mike Fleiss is thrilled that they're FINALLY going to get another wedding out of this thing.
Unless things fall apart "within the year".

Lorraine: they're lookin pretty good, they're both just kind of dumb happy puppies, so I don't foresee an Allie/Roberto implosion

Lacey: Well, I've got to say I'm not sad to see this season go. I wish the best for all parties involved and I hope they get some awesome guys for Emily. Unless they bring Bentley back and she takes him all the way to the end, I think it'll be a very lovely season.

Lorraine: I like the bachelorette seasons a lot because they tend to be a little more emotional and a little less dramatic.

And y'all, Emillly is just so so so so so totally almost like close to being sort of like the perfect bachelorette. (must be said in emily voice for full effect)

Lacey: The End.

Lorraine: woohoo!
we did it!
I'm going to send all our chats to a producer to have him print them out and put them in a scrapbook, which I will present to you someday and take credit for it.

2 comments:

Alissa Rae King said...

I have ADD and children. It took me four days to read this. I can't respond to any of it because either you guys said it all, or blogger actually made you stop, but I DO want to say that having been in the live tv audience for several well known reality shows (ouch I hurt my arm patting myself on the back), before they begin the live part they do these things where they have the audience cheer like crazy so they can cut it in later if they need an audience shot. All I could think when I was watching After The Rose was how they must have done that with the crowd before the show aired, only they told everyone to "look to the person next to you and make the DUMBEST MEANEST face you've ever made in your life, we are going to show it to all of your friend on live tv."

hahaha, everyone associated with this season ends up looking like an idiot.

Sharron said...

you don't mean EVERYONE do you lissa? because these 2 sis-in-laws seem to be way 'associated' with this season... HILARIOUS ladies (or should i smarmily call you "women"), well done!