1.26.2012

A Bachelor Post Wherein Lacey and I Disagree on Stuff.

Lacey:  ‪Turns out Utah is the perfect place to fall in love.  What's wrong with me then?



Lorraine:  ‪hahahahahahhaha.  you just have to move to park city, learn to ride horses, drop yourself down a cavernous hole in the ground in a bikini, run in the rain, and then make a fool of yourself on National TV, and you TOO can find overwhelming, synthesized, temporary love!



Lacey:  ‪That's a tall order.  I'll get started right away.  ‪So what do you think Samantha did to tick Ben off so much?  He sent her packing with no mercy.  ‪He must have been completely turned off by her ingratitude.  She didn't get much camera time.  Maybe she was annoying and rude.



Lorraine:  ‪well Nicki goes in there and acts gracious, leaves herself completely open and kind, and actually winning a few points from me, and THEN in a perfect show of timing (almost producer made magic timing) Samantha shows up right after her and very immaturely questions him about their relationship. I would have sent her packing in those circumstances too. the contrast between the two women was too much to ignore.



Lacey:  ‪Definitely.  I was kind of impressed with his forthrightness even though it was totally brutal.



Lorraine:  ‪Benjamin was like, bible fierce.  one swift mighty blow of omnipotent date ending smitage, and sister was gone.  ‪she is definitely making my Bachelor Worst of the Night List.



Lacey:  ‪Did you notice Ben's look of terror as he rode the horse across the river?



Lorraine:  ‪ahhh ahahha, it was SPECTACULAR!!! I saw the writing on the wall there. I was thinking, oh dear.  All Utah horses universally hate water. He is going to do something to unseat that poor poor boy from Sonoma and send him flying, completely ruining the image of a gallant bachelor.  But Ben miraculously held on, and regained his gallant Benface quickly. 

‪I was disappointed that Lindzi didn't take advantage of the situation to do some stunts. It would have been both negatively dramatic to all the poor angry jealous women, but also been awesome for me.



Lacey:   ‪She was sitting pretty.  She looked great atop her noble steed.  Poor Ben.  A plaid cowboy cut shirt doesn't make you a cowboy.



Lorraine:  ‪that it doesn't.



Lacey:  ‪I'd like to say that Courtney disgusts me.  Her baby talk, her subterfuge, her manipulation.  Infuriating!



Lorraine:  ‪haha, well, this is where our little chats are going to get interesting, you and me, sister to sister. Because I have a confession to make.



Lacey:  ‪Oh no.  What?!



Lorraine:  ‪Over the course of 2 hours of my life that I can never have back, my heart changed a little.  I might be just a little bit team Courtney.



Lacey:  ‪Wha.....  How......  How did this happen?!



Lorraine:  ‪I know. I KNOW.  I was shocked at my own feelings. Maybe I'm as dumb as Ben on this one. Maybe I have been watching sports with Dan for too long and now have become some sort of perpetual rooter for the underdog. but, honestly, I kind of see where she's coming from.  ‪The other women on this season have proven that they are easily pushed to jealousy, to being overly involved with each other, to blowing everything they have with Ben over their feelings with the other girls. And Courtney isn't buying into ANY of it. She's an easy target, easy to hate, and definitely has some unlikeable qualities. But, if I were her, I'd probably hate living with 14 other girls in a house too.

And if I were standing in a lake in a pair of waders up to my shoulders and I didn't know how to flyfish, I'd sure as heck be pulling out all the stops to get that boy's attention.



Lacey:  ‪I definitely think that Emily showed bad form with the tattling.  I think the girls are overly emotional and silly.  But my biggest issue with Courtney was how she completely manipulated Ben into giving her the group date rose.  She baby talked him into thinking she was pushing him away so he'd scramble to reel her back in.  Also, does she not realize that "winning" means you're a crazy crack head?  It's just the mean girl mind games that she plays.  ‪She has some funny sound bites though.  "I thought her head was going to pop off and spin around."



Lorraine:  ‪hahahahhahahahha. yeah. that whole scene at the end when Emily is self destructing, and Courtney is in the confessional stroking her rose, I almost died, I thought it was so funny.  ‪Her behavior towards the other women is completely bizarre and uncomfortable, but I sort of get now that it really is coming from a place of just not understanding other women. Which is sad for her. But I think that women who thrive in the Bachelor setting are kind of creepy, too. So she has taken it to the other extreme, and I have a sick twisted admiration for that.



Lacey:  ‪At the end though, when Ben announced that they were going to Puerto Rico and she was like, "I was just there 2 months ago" (needle scratches across record)  That's more than a little obnoxious right?



Lorraine:  ‪ That's the thing, her awful behavior is what is growing on me.  Really, she's just being her completely awful self now, and not waiting, like Brad did to show his "temper" to Emily until after the show wrapped.



Lacey:  ‪The problem is, I don't think Ben is seeing much of her crazy.  Only the other girls are.  I don't know.  I guess time will tell.  If she comes out with the psycho and Ben still likes her, I wish her lip biting, hair fondling joy.



Lorraine:  ‪I think the important thing to remember is that "the other women" won't always be in the next room. if it weren't for the other women, maybe she'd be rather normal, question mark? I don't know.  Also, Emily totally and completely lied about tattling, to try and make Courtney look like the crazy one. Bad Emily. Good Courtney for going for the jugular.  That was actually my turning point of the night.

if you're going to bad mouth a woman to the man she's vying for, you stick to your words, woman. especially when you looking into the eyes of CRAZY.



Lacey:  ‪I thought Emily was a total lame-o.  She tried to hide behind wanting to guard and protect his heart.  It was total self-preservation when she tattled, and then she wouldn't own up.  Emily lost about 20 points with me.  But her losing didn't make me like Courtney any more.



Lorraine:  ‪haha, that's fair. very fair. but their chemistry doesn't hold a candle to what he's got with Kacie B.  She's still at the top of my good girls list.



Lacey:  ‪I agree.  She's so sweet and sincere.  She's a good egg, that one.  Red-Head Accountant did pretty well on her date too.  He was probably swept away by her ability to tread water and make out at the same time.  That looked completely unromantic and potentially dangerous.  How do they not kick each other?



Lorraine: the cave diving was undeniably cool, albeit the multiple near drownings.



Lacey:  ‪Had I been down there I would have requested they throw me a life vest.



Lorraine:  ‪at least some sort of foam noodle.  preferably ARM floaties.



Lacey:  ‪The Biggest Creeper award goes to the blonde chick who was in the frame in the front row at the concert.  Did you notice her?  She kept staring and smiling and staring some more.



Lorraine:  ‪Whaaa? creepy.  it was Shawntel in a wig I bet.  comin' back for one more look.  ‪while not the most mindblowing date in terms of chemistry, it was still a fun date to watch.



Lacey:  ‪I think we can all start our countdowns on Rachel.  They had little to no chemistry.  And it sounded like she had taken a page out of Jenna's "How To Make Say in Incoherent Sentence" book when she was trying to explain her problems in relationships.

*"How To Say an Incoherent Sentence".   Wow.  Clever joke fail.



Lorraine:  ‪no, no fail. you pretty much nailed it on the head, hahaha

I'm sure that's actually exactly what Jenna titled her book.  "How to make say in incoherent sentence" with the subtitle "communication is and the world with love from before my life and after with the bachelor"



Lacey:  ‪And they everly after lived badly.



Lorraine:  ‪hahaha. yup.  I can't believe that he kept her at all after that awkward awkward date, except that maybe Benjamin just likes the IDEA of marrying a woman with a nose ring.



‪I would like to compliment Utah on seeming luxurious, picturesque, and full of granola things to do.  Also, I want the phone number for Ben's horse. By far the hottest cast member of the night, for me.



OH, and Monica! we should say something about her. lay her to rest.



Lacey:  ‪Monica got such a weird edit the first night.  I was surprised this episode to find her very intelligent and mature and nice.  And now gone.



Lorraine:  ‪yup. Props to Ben for dumping her 20 minutes from home. shortest limo ride EVER.  That HAD to have crossed his mind.



Lacey:  ‪So true!  Let her go in her back yard.  Utah was beautifully represented.  ‪Now when do they do a week in southern Utah?  That would BLOW THEIR MINDS.



Lorraine:  ‪So true. But the girls are always such pansies on this show, afraid of heights, wearing dumb clothes, requiring 4,000 thread count egyptian cotton for their sleeping needs.  ‪I guess they'll have to stick to the luxurious offerings of Park City. On to Puerto Rico!

2 comments:

Sharron said...

Ha ha, is this an exact transcription? I thought Ben was going to be the one "dumped" for a change when the horse made that first leap in the river. I know those Utah rivers, rocky and cold. It would have been awesome.

padruss said...

The truth of the bachelor is in the last photo of your blog post here! While standing still, he, Ben, has a firm grip on the saddle horn as not to fall of the frozen, motionless, dude ranch horse. This actually is what the bachelor is about. Taking a regular person, propping him up with plenty of saddle horn to hang onto while they do his makeup, comb his parted down the middle of his skull hairdo, choose his cloths, set his tables, serve his food in exotic remote dinning settings, whisk him and what ever desperate rose collector lady is up on the chopping block, away to some exotic picnic spot while they travel in their color matching, romantic helicopter head phones and wrap around microphones, while providing him with countless cellophane wrapped roses to give to some poor girl who has not yet figured out that she should probably be more interested in the producers since they are the ones paying for all of this as well as planning and oh yes, making sure they find a horse in Utah that can stand still long enough to get the the photo of Mr. Ben, before he loses his balance and falls off the horse like an egg off a two legged table. What I wouldn't give, to have seen a lightning bolt break from the heavens and send that calm little palomino horse through the river with Mr. Makeup face man, hanging on till the first jump or quick cut to the side. That would scatter all those dollar fifty roses down the stream and then the ladies could all jump in and fight to get one and I know they would do it. Really. Now that would be more fair. In reality it is the competition for the rose each night. So Mr. Ben. Hang on to that horn. Look like you are a cowboy, helicopter owner, party planner, mansion owner and all around best, most eligible bachelor on the planet, because there is a show to be made and a lot of roses to give out and all your manufactured poses and date set ups, wine drinking, manic whisking away dates, may just get you into the saddle of one of these blinded by the lights, stuck in a crazy house with a bunch of competitive, I want to be on TV, strange, desperate, insecure, thinks their a model, sit in the living room while you make out with another women in the next room, Ladies. Then when the camera's, helicopters, jets, chefs, exotic locations, producers, free rides, free food, free dinners goes away, you will be there with a lady (Female) who now has the most roses and will wonder what you are really like. Then you will need that saddle horn, to hang on to and I think you will end up with a few additional parts in your parted down the middle hairdo. What kind of horse was that, or did you just get on it for the picture? I guess I will not get a rose tonight.