The Bachelor Episode Two
Or as I'd like to call it, Episode Too Much Cleavage.
Lacey: What we learned in this episode: Ben likes small towns, southerners, and women wearing Osh Kosh B'Gosh.
Lorraine: I loved when that little girl was trying to think of what to call it. "the lady...wearing the, the..."
and we all knew exactly who she meant.
Lacey: I breathed a huge sigh of relief when she was finally forced into that gingerbread costume. Think of the children!
Lorraine: by far my favorite part of the entire show was the 0.5 second shot of Blakely, deep inside the cavernous gingerbread man costume, with her million dollar smile, saying "NIIICE!" when Ben took his clothes off.
I replayed it.
I want to have it forever in a repeating animated .gif
Lacey: I didn't even notice! I'll have to have a re-screening.
I've decided that Kacie B. continues to rank #1 this week, especially in light of her baton twirling skills. That was excellent. You can't make that stuff up!
Lorraine: This is my overall emotion after watching this episode. Kacie B. and Ben's charming personality combined MIGHT be enough to save him from his horrible, despicable, taste in and judgment of women. Help us, Kacie B. Kanobi, you're our only hope.
Lacey: Ha! Their date seemed really nice and low-key and fun. Although, I feel the Producer Manipulation of the Night Prize went to the home video montage of Ben's late father. It made me a little uncomfortable. Too raw. Too personal. Too soon.
Then again, Ben brings it up every two seconds, so I guess he's kind of asking for it.
Lorraine: For sure. I would not appreciate being manipulated like that on a date by a Producer. And how, you know, Ben's entire life is apparently images of his dead father, and not a whole lot else.
Lacey: I was glad when that part of the date ended. I think you're right. I think their chemistry is really natural. I like 'em.
Lorraine: the other single date was just entirely bizzare, I almost don't even know what to say about it other than watching her try to pretend to be natural and sweet sort of reminded me of my parent's 3 legged dog trying to jump into the back of the suburban on his own.
only, when Duke does that, we're all like, oh, poor duke, it isn't happening, but Ben, BLESS HIS HEART, is somehow entirely oblivious to how much it's NOT HAPPENING.
Lacey: I thought Courtney was good. She seemed just so nice and sweet and normal. In fact, my mom tuned in for like 3 minutes right during that date and thought she was great. I was like NOOOOO! It's LIES!!! All lies!
Lorraine: oh I thought she seemed so bizarre and awkward
like, acting, but by a dumb model.
Lacey: The biggest give away of her true nature was when she kept agreeing with Ben every time he said it was weird that she was still single. She kept saying Yeah. Ego much?
Lorraine: The truth is, I know so many poor guys like this. Brilliant, charming, successful- and they all fall victim to this same kind of woman because they like to believe that the gaping hole they see in her is "mystery" when in fact, it's just a gaping hole.
Lacey: Truths. Now, I have to ask you. Is something wacky with her top lip? An injection gone wrong? Did someone punch her in the face?
Lorraine: injection, def.
she's got the classic post-surgical duck pout.
If he takes her all the way, he's a mad man. But I actually sort of see her self destructing dramatically mid-season.
Lacey: Well she's already alienating the other girls. That usually takes them out of the game sooner or later. Except in that one season that I don't like to talk about, aka Jake and Vienna. And we all saw how that worked out.
Lorraine: haha, yes, the cameras disappear and suddenly it all makes sense.
Lacey: The signs are there. Pay attention to them or pay the consequences.
So back to that excruciating little group date we had to sit through... I was actually kind of surprised at how game the girls were. For the most part they were pretty good sports.
Lorraine: haha, they were. The donkey girl is cute as can be. She was a fave of mine from that.
Lacey: Texas Nicki. She'll go far. I can feel it.
The after-party or whatever you want to call it is where it got interesting.
Lorraine: haha, yeah, that part is always so surreal to me. it's just like hours and hours of people in bathing suits getting tipsy and making poor choices.
Lacey: Remember that part when he was making out with Red-Head Accountant? Loudest kissing ever!
Lorraine: icky icky icky
Lacey: And then I think she forgot what show she was on for a minute. She was so appalled when she saw him kissing Blakeley. *crickets.
Lorraine: hahahahha, YES! Who are these women? Keep your head in the GAME!
Lacey: The rose ceremony got a little dicey. It's already so dramatic!
Lorraine: bahahaha, this was the best rose ceremony ever, in my opinion. specifically because despite all the exemplary manipulation, editing, attention to ambience and luxury- those producers apparently couldn't do anything about how cold it was. I have never seen so many skinny shivering girls in my life, hahahaha!
Lacey: Get those girls some shawls!
Lorraine: I could watch that over and over.
cold skinny girls.
Lacey: And then they all died of exposure. The End.
Lorraine: there was a number of them you could tell were like "I seriously don't care if I get a rose, I'm cold, Imma die out here in my strapless cocktail dress and sandal stilletos"
I would have been the girl that protested and gotten my uggs and a beanie and been like "give the rose to the smart ugly one. right here. evolution wants you to pick me."
Lacey: Ha ha!
Lorraine: but the best was Crazy Jenna's "I am in shock." how is that at all even sort of possible? How could you be in shock? How? You've never spoken coherent words to him, ever.
Lacey: But when she said "I'm mortified." Definitely valid.
Lorraine: Haha, yes, in perfect Jenna fashion, she swings quickly between reality and the Jenna Parallel Universe of conversations where you only say every other word, and somehow, Ben understands.
Lacey: That girl was nutz. I think (read: hope) that the drama level goes down a little bit with her gone.
Lorraine: I think so. And maybe Blakely and the Nice Normal Model will die in a tragic international ziplining in bikinies while drinking champaigne incident sometime in the next episode or two. We can hope, right?
Lacey: Or an accidental hot tub drowning.
Lorraine: I can't believe that HASN'T ever happened on this show.
Lacey: Remember when Ben went and found Blakeley in the corner? That would have been so much funnier if she were still wearing the little kid overalls. And a dunce cap.
Lorraine: My prevailing thought during that scene was entirely mathematical in nature.
Lacey: Do explain!
Lorraine: I was so taken by the scale of it- how very large those girls' suitcases were, and how extremely tiny most of Blakely is. I can't believe he was even able to find her shriveled little frame behind that floral monstrosity. I don't think my cat can get in that tiny of a ball.
Lacey: As much as she deserved it, I think the girls did get a little "Lord of the Flies" in their Blakeley bashing. They just kept piling it on.
Come on ladies, rise above.
Lorraine: oh absolutely, this is what girls do in mass numbers. it's easy to get sucked into, I think
Lacey: Lindzi of first impression rose and horse fame needs some help with her make-up. I thought it was so funny that she mentioned she didn't wear much right when I was thinking I want to help!
Lorraine: ha! I had the same thought! I hope they get to go on a nice equestrian beach date, so I can live vicariously. and she can show off her less make-upped natural side.
Lacey: The whole flesh-toned lip color situation is not a good look for any living, breathing humans. Only zombies.
Lorraine: HA! that's the color! I thought maybe it was Maybelline Peach Crayon 235, but you're right, it's Loreal Zombie Flesh Help 339.
Lacey: Stop it! I'm dying!
Lorraine: I promise when you die not to the let the mortician apply either. just a nice alive-looking rose blush.
Lacey: I sincerely appreciate that.
Lorraine: But, I might have to special request they bury you in the osh kosh outfit. because then we can laugh to mask our pain.
Lacey: I will haunt you, Lorraine!
I will come back and make you miserable! Don't you think I won't!
I wouldn't be caught dead in that thing!
Lorraine: as if that wouldn't be terrifying enough, you'd be in that outfit!!!! I take it all back.
Lacey: Any other notable moments?
Lorraine: I think that does it for me.
Lacey: Do your previous rankings still stand?
Lorraine: yup, Kacie B., Rachel, and the Donkey Girl.
well, I'm adding the Donkey Girl
Lacey: I agree.
Lorraine: which one is the epidemiologist again?
Lacey: Emily, PhD Student.
Lorraine: she didn't get much air time, did she? but I liked her originally.
Lacey: Despite her serious eyebrow over-plucking problem, I think she'll go far.
This was a good talk. I think next week will be epic! Ex-girlfriend coming back! Girl fainting! Everyone crying!
Lorraine: woohoo!! synthesized drama to make our mondays! let it live on!