4.14.2011

The Manic Week of Listlessness

Monday is a terrible day for a rock concert. I got to see one of my favorite bands play an amazing show, and I just...wasn't mentally present for it.  Usually I have all this time to relish it and bask in anticipation, thinking about all the songs I want to hear.  In the case of the utterly epic portland trip to see the Decemberists, I got to spend days thinking about it, and felt fully prepared for what would wash over me. 



Attending Arcade Fire, I raced from work through the usual 5pm traffic crawl down I-15, changed out of my office clothes and raced from will call to the floor in a sweaty mind-numbed haze after a long day at work.  I was utterly non-present for the evening.  The stage was short and the crowd was tall, so I only caught tiny glimpses of the band. Mostly I closed my eyes and listened- to the people yell-talking right behind me about their boyfriends and their favorite food and what they should do after the show, as if the band they came to see was not onstage right that second singing their hearts out.  I could be angry at them, but really, I was suffering a different fate from the same problem- Suburbia.  The humdrum 12 hours leading up to the show had sucked the life right out of me. And if you've listened to the Suburbs album by Arcade Fire, you know just how ironic that is.  I had spurts of feeling and creativity through the show, moments of revelation, but the lack of feeling at all was the true power of the moment. It's left me feeling anxious and drained this week.

the weekend promises long hours apart from Dan, and little respite before the week ahead.  I'm craving something bigger than all this, but I know that to get there, I will have to exercise great patience.  Or at least, that's what my therapist told me the Universe is trying to tell me. She's always right.

The good news is, I also had some really terrible things happen to other people this week that reminded that I married this awesome dude who I hate to be apart from, and that our life together is a pretty special thing in this crazy world.  I know, I know, we're newlyweds and filled with "feelings" that will change, but I also know something powerful and good when I see it.  And he's standing right in front of me. Actually, he's at work right now, and then I have 2 evening events in a row for work this weekend, and then Dan's driving to Montana, and then...like I said, a long weekend ahead.

Dazed, but Lucky. Totally naming my next horse that.


4 comments:

Ball Lightning said...

first of all.. grats on marrying an "awesome dude" ;)

and a very good post, lately you are one of my favorite blogs.

i understand the patience involved in waiting for "something bigger than all this"

heres to the universe delivering us from overextended patience.

Alissa Rae King said...

Being present is overrated. You should see inside my brain (hint: there's candy in here!), why would I want to leave?

And you DID find your match! Not that it makes anything a whole lot easier, but at least you can suffer together and get fat together :)

madre said...

first: NEVER name a horse Dazed But Lucky. c'mon, if we're talking about the universe here, don't tempt it (It has a wicked sense of humour).
second: ALWAYS know that your 'feelings' won't change, except for the better as you tend your little garden over time.
third: i was planning on finally getting to see my faves, Rose's Pawn Shop, in person next week up in L.A., now I am worried. LOVE YOU!!

madre said...

also, i had a Manic Week of Listlessness myself last week. good moniker.